i just want to feel everything.

So, I never feel quite comfortable saying that I struggle with depression, not for any lack of willingness to be open about it, but because most times I don't feel like I have the right to. I'm not doing depression "good enough." How 'bout that? Well I'm not in bed for weeks on end, only a day or two with a few okay days in between.  I'm able to pull it together enough to function when I have to. I do well at my job. I can smile at strangers.  These are the arguments I make to the therapist.

When I was a child, it was extreme stomach aches with no discernible cause. When I was a little older, it was self-destruction manifested through a lot of acting out (so sorry, boyfriends from 1999-2006) and disordered eating. What, me? I'm fine. I'm clearly not thin enough to be anorexic, and I'm not bulimic because I'm not strong enough to commit to anything on a regular basis. Duh.

The last few years as an adult have been the best so far, as though it's starting to unravel with time. But lately I've been prone to crippling anxiety and fear of... everything. Anything. My worry knows no bounds. So deep down, I know the depression is there. I know it to be true. And the fact that I think I'm not doing well enough at something so awful is its own stupid sort of proof.

While I'm open with friends for the most part, I don't have any close friends who are going through the same thing. Thank God for them. But that also means that when I stumble across a person who does, I morph into a puppy who is damn well planning on following you right out the door of that pet shop.  You too? This happens to you, too? It's not just because I'm some terrible, weak, flawed person?  So this is a real thing? You actually GET this? Tell me more! What's your version like? Wanna play?

If that's you too, anonymous and quite unlikely reader of this unknown blog, here.

Let me throw you a bone.  She gets it. 

 

I don't think I'll ever consider myself "cured," whatever that will mean for me, until I get to the point where I can fall asleep on my own. Every single night's a fight with my brain.